Can I do this?? REally??? where does one find the strength to go on day to day? I know I have talent. But do I have the cougrage to do this?? Or is it just that I don't have good self esteem. Do I believe in myself? Do I truly beleive in who I am??? and what I am capable of doing?? I feel like when ever I'm on the precipice of discovering the truth of all that is important I feel so lost and small and insecure. I want so badly for someone to cheer me on to push me to help me...But that isn't how it will be. I need to and have to do this on my own or it will never happen or stick. I need to find with in myself something worth fighting for. A life. My life. To be happy. To find a way to succeed in living in this world and to be happy with all that I desire in this life.
Why do we shed tears?? Are they of fear and sorrow. Or of confusion and despair??? Or a mash of all the afore mentioned??? Is this what we go thru to become strong with who we are?? Does this have to happen all the time. I'm so fearful that I can't do this or that my work isn't all that good. But I know it is. But can I find a way to make everything work?? Can I create fast enough??? Can I find a way to make production more proficient??
How??
I search for jobs that I'm able to do> Anything that will pay my bills. But can I do this with my craft??? I don't know.. So much doubt..I need to find a way to get past my doubt. I have to be strong in believing in me and who I am. I have to have faith in myself. Faith in my abilities.. I can do this. I have to ..Im the only one that can do this. THere are no heroes but myself. I will be my hero. I will save myself and my days.
I write to work out my inner demons and tortuous doubts in my capabilities. I have so much desperation in me. I hope by writing I can cast out and work out how I feel. I need to find solutions to my issues. Only I can do this. I have to find a way. Or I fear the worst that I will just sink into an endless pit of despair and I will not make it in this world. I'm a wonderfully function beautiful minded person. My despair is rooted in the one facet of todays societal needs. A job to pay bills. With out that one can not survive on their own. And I will not be a kept person and leech off of people. That is not living either.
I need to face my fears. I can not hide them from me. I can not bury them. I have to face them and that is the scariest thing to do. No mask to wear for myself. I can not be afraid. I need to be true to myself. I love me and who I am. I need to respect me. And respecting myself is not to hide from my fears and all that I try to bury. I acknowledge my feelings of fear and doubt in everything that I am. But I now say that I am worth it all and then some. I love my views and love for life and my views on love and life. I love me and my abilities. I have a wonderful and beautiful mind. Im able to do many things and I can and will save myself. I deserve to be happy and I will be happy. I will find that answers for my problems and I will succeed in life and All that I can do. I am the answer to my questions and my problems. I can and will do this. I can, will, and be happy and successful!!!!!!! Yes I can!!!! yes I will!!!!! and yes I am!!!!!!!
- Courage and strength
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dalia_black- May 9th, 2010
- The broken bliss of ignorance
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- dalia_black
- April 15th, 2010
Sorrow is the tiny pebble that is dropped into a still pond. Grief is the ripples that follow. They start off small and intermittently until they grow bigger and bigger until you succumb to the waves...Ignorance is that blissful still pond. Knowledge is what shakes you to your core. THat knowledge can make you stronger. But living with that knowledge, I haven't figured out that part yet.
How can one live with them self knowing now what they did???? My only defense is that I didn't know at the time. I made choices that I thought were right. I even work out scenarios where I did things differently and still they would have not been good. So I made the right decision after all. But why do I feel such pain??? Why do I still feel like my decision was wrong???
Wishing to change things that happened doesn't help. It only perpetuates the sorrow and greif that I feel. But how can I stop??? I can't change the past. I can only move forward. But moving forward right now feels like I'm standing still. I'm being told to have patience. To wait. But here I wait in growing anxiety and fear that time is running out.
